I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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