I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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