Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
