I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
