i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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