so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
