He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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