ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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