I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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