Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
