Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
vagina is talking i cant
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
