Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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