I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
