If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
