PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
