Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
