the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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