I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
