I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
