90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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