He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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