My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I still have a little drunk in my system
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
