i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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