The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
