God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
