I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
