HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
