At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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