I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
