this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
