I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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