even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I forgot wine drunk hurts
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
