just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
