omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
