I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Randomize
