My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
