i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
