i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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