I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
