Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
