i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
