You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
