dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
