My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
