Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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