Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
