Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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