You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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