you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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