I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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