a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My bed smells like the plague
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
